This article was written by guest writer Emma Vivian, a FabFitFun Member.
On Tuesday, December 4th, 2018, I received a life changing phone call about a lump in my right breast. I’d found the lump myself while performing a self-exam in the bath, but a quick Google search informed me my chance of having cancer was slim. After all, I was only 29 years old, healthy and active by most people’s standards. Sure, my aunt had had breast cancer, but so have a lot of women. I tried not to worry.
But within weeks of finding the lump, I realized it was growing—fast. Prickles of pain began rippling beneath my skin, and by the time the doctor called me with my biopsy results I knew it was bad news. My suspicions were confirmed: I had a highly aggressive form of invasive ductal carcinoma.
I was lucky. I’d found the tumor early, and even though it was growing rapidly, it hadn’t spread beyond my breast. My treatment plan, decided by a team of doctors, involved six rounds of chemo, a bilateral mastectomy, fourteen rounds of immunotherapy, one year of targeted therapy and up to ten years of hormone suppression. My future muddied out ahead of me like a path into darkness, all the twists and tumbles yet to be discovered.
The truth is, I’ve never been good at looking after myself. I’ve always been good at seeming like I am. But properly prioritizing my needs and mental health? Not so much. Well, I thought, no better time to start than in the face of a breast cancer diagnosis! I came up with a plan: I would read inspirational memoirs, indulge in long bubble baths, track my daily steps and find new ways to explore self-care.
I’d heard of FabFitFun before and been intrigued by its promise of products that promoted not only beauty, but health and wellness, too. As much as it looked great, I’d hesitated to treat myself to a subscription. Did I really deserve such a thing? Wasn’t it frivolous of me? What if I didn’t like the products? A few months into chemo, I reasoned that surely, I did deserve such a thing. My body was experiencing so much pain and sickness, anything I did to take care of it could only be a good thing.
So, I ordered an annual subscription and a few weeks later, my first box arrived.
It felt like a love letter to myself. Something a past version of me knew I would need. I opened it with glee and extracted my prizes: a soft floral robe to wear after I emerged from my baths, copper measuring spoons to make smoothies with, a Dr. Brandt’s de-puffing cream for my tired eyes and a OUAI Leave In Conditioner for what remained of my dry, chemo-battered hair. Maybe it seems silly, but these items weren’t just products to me. They were a reminder that I was so much more than my illness. They were proof that even though I was losing my hair and my breasts and my menstrual cycle, I was still capable of feeling like a woman.
As my journey through treatment progressed, the choices I made in my boxes changed too. When my hair began growing back, I chose reparative hair treatments. When I began hormone suppression, a cooling rose face spray to help with hot flashes. When post-treatment anxiety made it hard for me to sleep, a luxurious weighted eye mask and a lavender body lotion. FabFitFun was there with me through it all, when it felt like I lost my identity to cancer, and when I put it back together again, too.
Three years have passed since my diagnosis, and I continue to renew my FabFitFun subscription. Each renewal is a promise I make to myself. A promise that I’ll keep trying hard to look after myself. A promise that I’m still deserving of self-love even now that the cancer has been cut out. To me, FabFitFun is so much more than a subscription beauty box. It’s a subscription to my body, my mind and my future. More than anything, it’s a subscription to myself.
xx,
Emma Vivian
P.S. Want to keep up with me? Follow along at @emmavivanwrites on Instagram!
